It's Your Funeral: William Shatner

Arena magazine, October 2004

Star Trek’s Captain Kirk on the perils of paramotoring, screaming like a girl and the spooking of Spock

If you died tomorrow, what would you regret not having done?

More of everything I’m doing now — loving, writing, acting and skydiving. When I skydived with my son-in-law, I came out of the airplane and the instructor came down with me. When we landed, he said, “Are you aware that you screamed all the way down?” I said, I’m very aware. I have such a fear of heights, and falling out of an airplane is the antithesis of natural behaviour. As babies, we clutch our mother’s body to avoid falling. It’s the ultimate prehensile form of behaviour. And some idiot people go totally against instinct all the time — bungee jumping or leaping out of a plane. I figured that screaming is natural, so I tried to balance the unnatural act of jumping with the natural act of screaming.

How often do you think of death?

Every 20 minutes my watch goes off and I think about it. I believe that thinking about death should permeate everything you do. Awareness of your mortality heightens the joy of life. Having a relaitonship with death is not a new philosophy. About two years ago I read The Tibetan Book of the Dead. It made a great deal of sense. It’s the Eastern philosophy of never forgetting — never letting the rose-coloured glasses obscure the vision of our coming death. One of the songs on my new album is “You’re Gonna Die” and the main thrust of the song is “Don’t waste it — taste it.” With encroaching age, it doesn’t take much knowledge to realise that death is hovering around you.

How would you prefer to go: peacefully in your sleep or in a more particular way?

If choosing a spectacular end meant that I would die a week earlier, I would vote for the peaceful way. But if they were both going to happen on the stroke of midnight, 2015, I would go for the spectacular. On the other hand, there’s something alluring about the fact that you go to sleep figuring that, like the sun, you’ll rise again. Can I go for a spectacular sleep?

What’s the closest you’ve been to death?

Well, according to my wife, every time I go on the freeway. But once a horse I was riding fell on me. It just rearead up and came over backwards. I was competing in a horse show and was on a young one; it was only three years old. I was coming out of the ring and a golf cart came towards the horse. The horse had never seen one before and reared. At the last instant, instead of crushing my spine he fell to the side, so he landed on my groin and leg. I was on crutches and in a wheelchair for a while. Nothing was broken, but my thigh and cartilege were torn.

Any other near-death experiences?

I like to go paramotoring. I wear a rectangular parachute, strap a motor on my back and run like hell. You run to attain flying speed, and once you attain that, you jump in the air when the propeller takes over. The last time I did it was to open a paintball game I conduct every year in Joliet, Illinois. The closest take-off spot I could get to was about ten miles away from the event. I was able to get into the air, but because I was so apprehensive about the storage equipment, I was barely holding the throttle. It was called a dead man’s throttle. Unfortunate term. If you lost your grasp on the throttle, it would automatically close and you drop. Well, the parasail took me into the air and in the general direction of the venue, where I had to cross the Ohio River and go over electrical wires. Because I had such a loose grip, the throttle almost put me down in the river or on top of the electrical wires. Ultimately, I ended up landing on some rocks. 

What will your funeral be like?

The Mexican death march — a procession with the masks, the skeletons and the rattling of bones. It would scare the bejesus out of all the evil spirits around. But I’d also want prancing horses and attack dogs. 

And what music would you like played?

Led Zeppelin, or some sort of heavy metal, because it’s loud and I’d hear it to the very end. I’d also want to keep everyone awake so they don’t fall asleep during the orations. 

If you knew you were dying would you panic and make your peace with God?

I would argue that nothing evil I did was intentional and that we’re all products of our genes and our environment. We think we’re in control, but we’re just obeying the dictates of our genetic structure. I think the best thing to do is make amends in this life before you die. And all the hateful things you’ve done in your life, you should try to rectify them in some manner and enhance the good things.

What would your epitaph say?

“He’s not resting yet.”

Who would you like to come back and haunt?

Leonard Nimoy. He’s gotten too rich and too old for me. I’d haunt him by coming back again and again, offering him Star Trek conventions that he couldn’t go to. I’d tantalise him with the idea that he could go to the convention, but for some reason he wouldn’t quite be able to make it. He’s just a convention boy. I’ve tried to talk him out of them so many times, but he just goes … frequently.

Which body parts would you donate and to whom?

The part that I would like most to donate is useless without blood. And who would that go to? I’ve got to leave my wife everything. The rest of my possessions I’ve already divvied up in a will, needless to say numerous deserving people will be getting what they deserve.

Which story will all your mates be affectionately laughing about at your wake?

Did you see what he did to his pants when he died?

Where are you bound: Heaven or hell?

In total, I believe I’m bound for heaven. Anything deserving of hell I’ve done has been inadvertent.